I had a loss this this week. And I am so sad and maybe even too much so ... we use the word trigger allot and I am thinking I have all kinds of complicated triggers pounding through my soul.
I have to go back to college on this story. I had a pretty funky and messed up childhood so I was one of those teens who was SO ready to go to college and define life on my own terms. I loved my college years that were full of best friends, dancing, parties, baseball, pizza and Greek adventures. It was not without challenges but when you are young, figuring it all out was just part of coping and moving to the next thing.
I married one of those best friends with our best friends standing around us in the on-campus chapel. The two of us went on to graduate school and had a pretty wonderful few years but ultimately our individual brokenness could not survive as a couple. We went our separate ways 28 years ago and our paths did not cross.
Last summer, this college sweetheart and my first husband with the most beautiful smile reached out to me. He had cancer. It sounds like a cliche but he wanted to say some things to me to bridge some of the pain we experienced all those years ago when we divorced. And a few of those best friends from our magical college years rallied to be there for him. We got to spend a few afternoons with him in his home with his hilarious parents, we shared meals at local restaurants, rolled with laughter at old photos, I spent a couple hours at the park and shared some ice cream and I even spent an evening at Big Baylor.
And of course all of this coincided with my Husband being diagnosed with Younger Onset Alzheimer's.
Life can really throw some doozies at you. And I get triggered into feeling like I just can not ever do all I want to do, that I should do more, that I did not do enough. I am an idea person and a dreamer so I come up with all kinds of ways I want to experience life. I have always been a caregiver and there never seems to be enough time to care for those I love in the ways I want. I get overwhelmed with empathy across an entire spectrum: for those close to me all the way to every human injustice around the world.
And in the midst of COVID-19, my first husband dies Friday night surrounded by his family in the home he grew up. I did have a brief phone call with him Thursday morning where all that is left is "I love you." Those are only words.
And then THIS happens. I tell my Husband about the death. And my Husband whose brain just does not work the same and where our connections are different now says "I am so sorry Ronda. I know how much you loved him" and He Hugs Me. And my heart breaks in a million additional ways in that moment.
