Woman & Child First - A Plea for Action

I propose that our society prioritize. There are endless good causes and issues in which people are passionate. I am a feminist and am thankful every day that I was born in the USA. However, there are still serious problems impacting women and children in this country. And the atrocities committed against women and children around the world are heartbreaking.

I understand that abortion is a difficult topic. The fact is that abortions are legal in this country at this time and have been for over 40 years. I am outraged to think of the money, time and energy that has been expended to challenge the legalities.

People get some common sense. Let us unite and change the conversation. I would like every minute and every dollar spent to maintain or overturn Roe v. Wade to be diverted as follows:

• All 463,000 children in foster care are adopted or in a loving, safe home.

• Single mothers living at or below the poverty level are provided job training, affordable childcare and assistance to gain employment allowing them to pay all expenses without welfare. There are 8,000,000 homes with children being raised without a father and below the poverty line. 

• Ensure all single mothers receive child support from the father from the moment birth occurs whether married or not. Over 25% of custodial parents do not received child support as awarded and these are just the ones that actually get to court. 

• Provide affordable and easy access to birth control from the time a woman is able to have a child. 40.2% of births are to unmarried women. There were 249,000 babies born to females ages 15 - 19 in 2014.

• Eliminate child abuse that includes physical, sexual, emotional and neglect.

 "Annually, there 6,600,000 referrals to state child protective services of which there are 3,200,000 children subject to investigation. The were 702,000 children who are victims of maltreatment in 2014. In 2014, state agencies identified an estimated 1,580 children who died as a result of abuse and neglect — between four and five children a day. However, studies also indicate significant undercounting of child maltreatment fatalities by state agencies — by 50% or more. That's roughly ¼ of your child's elementary school class. More than 70% of the children who died as a result of child abuse or neglect were two years of age or younger. More than 80% were not yet old enough for kindergarten. Around 80% of child maltreatment fatalities involve at least one parent as perpetrator."

There are over 125,000,000 adult women in the USA. Women are loving and tenacious and can move mountains for our children. Let's define ourselves by commonalities and work together to solve these five problems I described above FIRST. Frankly, the men in power will not and have not.

Perhaps a modern day abortion cease-fire is the solution - leave Roe v. Wade alone and quit passing state laws to marginalize abortion access - until every child in every home is safe and healthy. We can work on the problems in which we all agree and focus on our similar priorities instead of wasting limited and valuable resources on the differences. Your priorities are how you spend your time.

... then we will prioritize the next five problems and the next five problems ... and eventually we will get to abortion ethics which I promise you will be much less of a stalemate at that point.

Please bring up every one of these reference sites and read them. All the statistics in this post are from these sites. These are just a few of the resources defining the problems facing women and children with facts and statistics.

https://www.fosterclub.com/article/statistics-foster-care

http://www.tlc4kids.org/blog/admin/02-17-2015/foster-care-statistics

https://adoption.com/photolisting

https://singlemotherguide.com/single-mother-statistics/

http://singleparents.about.com/od/statebystateresources/p/child_support_statistics.htm

https://www.childhelp.org/child-abuse-statistics/

http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/births.htm

http://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/adolescent-health-topics/reproductive-health/teen-pregnancy/trends.html

Driveway Collisions ... Humor?

Friday Night - The Surprise Discovery

Oldest Son had driven Husband, Youngest Son and me to Village Burger Bar to meet up with friends and have a late dinner. We returned home and as we exited Oldest Son's car, Husband noticed the front right side of Oldest Son's Mitsubishi showed signs of a minor collision. Upon closer inspection, there appeared to be no dents (yeah for that!) but some paint damage with white streaks on the silver paint and additional paint chipping.

Husband and I looked at Oldest Son with shock since he had not mentioned that any kind of accident had occurred. Oldest Son shared with us that he had scraped his car along the white pole of the basketball goal in our driveway. So now Oldest Son had the double whammy: carelessness while driving his vehicle and then not telling his parents immediately.

Inquiries as to why he did not tell us met with the typical teen response "I don't know." Obviously, we were going to find out because the evidence was sitting right in the drive way. Oy vey!

The pesky white pole that got in Oldest Son's way.

Saturday Evening - The Consequences and The Talk

On Saturday evening we sat down with Oldest Son to go through the two sets of consequences. First he will be required to purchase supplies to buff out the damage and apply touch-up paint. Hopefully, the repairs can be done by Oldest Son without expensive body work from a shop. The next ramification is for the illogical choice of not telling Husband and me the damage occurred. We consider taking away his car but decided for this first offense he will be accountable for getting up early this week to take Youngest Son to school daily and he will be responsible for bringing him home as well. He knows the next situation will result in the loss of his automobile. Husband and I delivered the usual speeches to Oldest Son about his safety and the safety of others while operating a moving vehicle and the loss of trust when he does not tell us when stuff happens, etc. Oldest Son handled all calmly and maturely.

Saturday Night - 10 Minutes Later - The Twist

When we, the parents, finished lecturing Oldest Son, he went back to his never ending homework and Husband left to make a quick run to the grocery store. Oddly, I heard Husband come back into the house and he approached me with a sheepish look on his face. Husband proceeded to tell me that he had just hit and scraped Oldest Son's car as he was backing out of the driveway. Unbelievable. Really?!??!

So now Oldest Son's small SUV has a small spot of missing paint on the back right side but again no dents. Husband's red Prius has paint missing all along the back left side that he will need to repair. Husband's "consequence" is to park in front of house during daytime. But hey, at least Husband told us immediately ... sometimes you just have to laugh and go with it ...

The "black" spots around tire and upper back side are supposedly the results of Husband hitting Oldest Son's Mitsubishi while backing out of driveway. Oldest Son's car only has a tiny paint scrape.

Before It Is Too Late

It is Mother's Day and I am thinking of my mother whose life was cut short in 1969 at twenty-two years of age. I was four years old and my brother was sixteen months. I have pieced together a sketchy picture of who she was from photos and conversations from those who knew her. I have no conscious memory of her. A series of events starting with my mother's death and my father marrying again less than one year after her death ultimately resulted in estrangement from my father for most of my life.

Another tragic death occurred in November 2014 when my brother's wife, my sister-in-law, took her own life and ended her mental anguish. My nephew and nieces lost their mother much to soon. The sadness I feel for them is immense knowing all too well what it is like to live motherless.

This story now takes an unexpected shift in November 2014. At that time, my father, Daddy, lived in North Richland Hills, Texas, with my step-mother. They had been married for forty-four years but had no real relationship with my brother, my step-sister, me and six of their collective grandchildren.

Daddy showed up at my sister-in-law's funeral. That day, coincidentally, we ended up at the same Cracker Barrel on I-35 coming home from Waco, Texas after the funeral. Daddy bought lunch for his two children and five grandchildren. Consider the significance of this seemingly unremarkable occurrence: Daddy had not bought me a meal since I was sixteen years old in 1981.

Shortly thereafter in December 2014, I made a decision. Boundaries I had established for over twenty years with Daddy to protect my children and me were no longer needed; while crucial in years past for my own mental health, the boundaries had served their intended purpose. So I called Daddy and asked him if he wanted to stay with Oldest Son and Youngest Son while I traveled to Poland on a business trip in January 2015.  To my surprise, he said yes. Until this time, Daddy had not taken care of the boys and I could count on one hand the number of times he had seen them. All went well with this first chance at reunification.

Throughout 2015, we kept stepping forward, inching our way towards a relationship. We would do what regular families do like actually see each other and talk on the phone. Daddy went out of his way to be with us. Daddy made us a priority. This made all the difference.

Then the unimaginable happened in November 2015. A phone call from Daddy changed everything. Daddy announced he was getting divorced. After four decades of marriage, at age 70, he was finally ridding our family of the evil step-mother. My brother and I were swept into a situation we could not have predicted would ever occur; we were helping Daddy figure out what to do next. The answer was far too simple. Daddy sold his house and moved to Stephenville, Texas to be close to my brother and his kids.

Daddy is now in Stephenville for two reasons. He is there to be with my two nieces (ages 11 and 14) and nephew (a freshman at Tarlington State University) and to help his son, my brother. Daddy rented a house across the street from the girls' schools thus the girls can go to Daddy's house in the afternoons. He helps with car pools and doctor appointments and all the many things that require adult hands. My brother is a single parent raising two daughters thus any and all help is appreciated.

Interacting with Daddy is easy. He is a nice man who tries to go along with whatever we want. He is not difficult and not complicated. We cannot erase nor forget that he abandoned my brother and me for almost forty-five years, most of our life. However, we can believe in second chances and choose not the let the past define the time we have left with him. Relationships require time together or there is no authenticity and no closeness. Daddy has finally chosen to give us his time and presence. It is good for my brother and me but it is priceless for the five grandchildren who have another person to love them.

Today I think about the mothers who left this earth far too soon: my mother who Tom and the boys never met, Husband's mother whom I and the boys never met and my sister-in-law.

The first title for this post was "It Is Never Too Late." Then I wrote the last paragraph and realized it is too late after someone dies especially if they pass suddenly. That feels depressing when my intent was to send out a positive message. I have changed the title to "Before It Is Too Late." We have lost our mothers and the grandmothers of our children. But we have chosen to welcome a grandfather.

There is a message in this story. Cover the distance whether it is emotional or physical to create a relationship that may have been lost ... before it is too late.

Husband is the cutie in the overalls held by his father. Husband's mother is holding his older sister. (Husband does have a younger brother who was not born when this picture was taken.) I never met either of Husband's parents as they both passed before we met.

This is me, my parents and my brother in 1968. This is my Daddy who has re-entered our lives. 

We do not have too many photos with our family of four: Daddy, me, my mother and my brother. Fairly certain this is taken in January 1968 when my brother came home from the hospital.

Friend Therapy

I am 51 years old. I am self-aware.

I first engaged with a therapist around age thirty and saw her off and on for a couple of years. It was life changing as I worked my way through my childhood and then young adulthood to deal with the many bags I was carrying around. Since that time, I have sought out mental health counsel three additional times when my circumstances felt too heavy to carry alone.

While not an overly frequent reader of self-help books, I have read all or parts of many books to gain understanding of myself and awareness of dynamics in my surrounding world. Some of these books have made a tremendous impact in how I think and approach relationships.

As a parent, I have a similar situation with parenting books. There are a few I have used that have been invaluable. I have also attended various talks and facilitated parent discussions through the years that added to my knowledge bank.

Professionally and personally, I have explored many of the personality tests and associated paradigms. I place a high value in the dialogue these explorations create with myself and others in my life. It is beneficial to gain insight into the complexities of how we are wired and how that impacts all our interactions.

Most of my friends could write the same four paragraphs (above) with adjustments to their particulars. We have made self-education a priority. We have all walked life's path with constant twists and turns. We have first hand experience with tough topics.

I am 51 years old. My emotional intelligence quotient is high.

I suffer bouts of moderate depression mostly characterized by too much time in bed and difficulty motivating myself to complete tasks. I have minor OCD where clutter makes me feel anxious. Clutter is defined in many spaces including physical, electronic, mental and relational. While these labels are accurate, I am highly functioning. The outside does not reflect the inside and there is absolutely no one that knows everything spinning in my head. I am one of those people. I am accepting with this essence of my being. I know me and I know to be vigilant to stay mentally healthy.

I have decided that Friend Therapy is what I want in this last half of my life. There is not anyone who does not need a true friend. A friend that listens and does not pass judgment. But mostly a friend that loves you unconditionally. I want to be that friend and I want to have those friends. Thus, I am being real with my friends. I am saying "help me." We will support each other and remind each other that we all have value. We will make time to be together where talking to each other is the only agenda.

It is my opinion that our society places far too much emphasis on achieving perfection. We are flawed. We make mistakes. We show emotion. We say the wrong things. We fail. We experiment. It happens ... all the time ... to all of us. It is part of the beautiful, crazy, exciting motion of life. It fuels change and creativity and when things go well then it is all the sweeter.

I want to share it all with my friends in Friend Therapy. In my amazingly imperfect world there is a mirror for us to share.

Victory - Mental?

Husband, Youngest Son and I are on our way to game two in the LAX playoff tournament ...

Husband to Youngest Son "Are you feeling victory this morning?"

Youngest Son replies with all the hubris of a 14 year old "I ALWAYS feel the victory. It runs through my veins."