So Much Has Changed

I have not posted since last March. Last March, we were fostering our third little boy. Last March, we had to make the heartbreaking decision to move our foster son to a different foster home. Last March, I gave up my dream of fostering. Last March, we were still in a purgatory of hope and denial.

It is now November, we have transitioned to the purgatory of the known and the unknown. Husband has been diagnosed with younger-onset (early onset) Alzheimer's. It has been ten days since the neurologist confirmed the diagnosis. In those ten days, I have felt completely and thoroughly scared. I have gone through allot of trauma in my 54 years of life and I have been supremely successful at keeping fear at bay. This repressive coping mechanism has served me well. Thus feeling gut-wrenching, all encompassing fear is a new emotion for me. I would like to say it is unwelcome but perhaps allowing this feeling to surface is the authentic emotion. But this fear drains me and throws every other emotion off balance. On this tenth day, I am in search of equilibrium.

The "younger-onset" descriptor for Alzheimer's creates another layer of circumstances. We are now on a completely different path than our same life-stage peers. Husband and I are part of a different community where only 5% of those diagnosed with Alzheimer's belong. I have known for awhile that my narrative is isolating. And the fear is fed.

And there is some irony that my strongest coping mechanism is pushing aside my own emotional pain by care-taking others. It started when I was very young by protecting my brother and myself. This caretaker role has shown bright throughout so many of my relationships. It has created some of my proudest moments. Thus (another thus), I have been ambushed by how scared I am. Again the fear is fed.

Here is where I shift to a more hopeful perspective. This journey has already started reinforcing my intuition about non-normative acceptance. Our society places far too much emphasis on what is normal and if not considered normal then giving it a label. The labels we have come up with are endless and are growing daily. The labels frequently serve to normalize the non-normative. And too many labels substantiate bias, rejection and intolerance. It is foolishness.

My Husband's brain is going to move into another place. My Husband's role and contribution to his family and his community is one of worth and respect. We (family, friends, community, society) need to move to into his world not the other way around.