Frankly Ronda: Where Are We on Dec 31, 2020?

LOTS going on the last couple months. I have made some emotional decisions that I think are best for our future.

Where do we live?

In 2019 before Tom's official Younger-Onset Alzheimers diagnosis, we bought a condo in downtown Dallas in anticipation of our empty nest. When Tom got the EOAD diagnosis, I decided that moving to a three story condo was insane and to stay in our ranch house of 25 years. Then, life gave us a twist. Our ranch house had roof leak and required us to move out to repair ceilings, floors and roof. We moved into our remodeled condo temporarily. Then came the next twist. Tom adjusted exceedingly well and he wants to stay in condo and the boys like it as well. We will call this Condo #1.

The additional consideration is my Dad (Papa) was going to start staying with us more in ranch house to help out. Condo #1 not conducive to that arrangement for him. Then the next twist comes and Papa's landlord in Stephenville informs him that he needs to be out by end of year. So in December we find Condo #2 blocks from us and purchase it for my Dad and move him in yesterday! What a whirlwind.

So. It is with too much emotion that I have decided to sell the only house Tom and I have ever owned and where we raised our family. In my dysfunctional childhood, I moved 16 times living with 6 different sets of caregivers. As a young adult, I moved 15 times before buying our ranch house with Tom. So I moved 31 times in my first 30 years of life. This blog is therapy! No wonder I am so ridiculously anxious and sad about selling the only stable home I have ever had.

How is Tom?

As mentioned, Tom has exceeded my expectations in his ability to adjust to Condo #1 with very little stress. He loves walking on the Katy Train. However, we did get bad news yesterday. Tom has a macular hole on his left eye. He had been complaining of double vision. There is some research to support the proteins associated with Alzheimer's can impact macular health and might even be predictor. We have an appointment with specialist at UTSW on January 8th. I suspect surgery will be required. Ugh.

Tom's daily mental health remains strong as well as his intellect, self-care and sense of humor. He has bad days mixed in where confusion seems more pronounced. It seems that as long as we keep his life stress free and have no expectations that he manages much better. He is vulnerable to any indication that he did anything wrong. He sleeps allot. On mentally taxing days, he will sleep as much as 15 hours and 12 hours is the norm. He is now on both Aricept and Namenda to help cognitive functioning. It is not clear if these drugs help but we succumb to the "it might help so why not" Alzheimer's community thought paradigm.

How am I?

I have allot on my plate with running my business, Tom's health, my health, moving and organizing our affairs for the EOAD. I am unable to mentally distance myself from the COVID tragedy and the alarming American societal issues. I lost a dear friend that I think of daily and miss. And I try to be a good mother, wife, sister, aunt, daughter, friend and community member but often feel I fall short. I do not manage my anxiety in a consistent way.

All this said ... I am grateful for being able to financially support my family and having beautiful homes. I have endless appreciation for our empathetic sons, Tom being Tom (still), my Dad staying COVID free, my brother loving me unconditionally and always there no matter what, my funny nieces and nephew, supportive friendships, our Alzheimer's support group and long-distance encouragement from Tom's sister and niece.

I am also keenly sensitive to the human condition. I suppose a combination of aging, COVID, political climate and American divisiveness has made the burden on our hearts too heavy. I personally know far too many people whose health is not good, mental health is challenging and loved ones have been lost in 2020. So many of our households are struggling. I am not a great philosopher and have no magical answers. And I am scared for my family and many in my sphere of caring. I suppose love, empathy, acceptance and a little help is what we all want to receive and many of us want to give.

What is my 2021 wishlist?

All healthy
We sell our ranch house and are settled in our new home
Tom remains stable and does not decline significantly
Secure health insurance for boys and me
Start my CASA volunteering and bring a foster child into my world
Manage my business to support us and our consultant families
I figure out how to eat healthy, exercise and achieve good sleep hygiene
Stabilize my mental health
Sam and Noah continue to find their path in positive ways
Spend more time with people I care about
Travel some
Write more
COVID crisis contained
Human decency prevails

How do we move on?

When the boys where young, most mornings Tom would throw the football with Sam and Noah in front yard as they waited for carpool. This week Tom asked to throw once more with a symbolically tattered football ...