19 Days & C is Gone

Well. Our foster care experience with C is over. He arrived on October 1 and left on October 19. We are exhausted and I feel a bit shell shocked.

In 19 days we experienced:

WEEK 1

• 10/1 - Placement at 9pm (complete online daily report)
• 10/2 - Enroll in school, sign up for YMCA aftercare, cobble together clothes, 3 Day Medical Check Up at Jonathan's Place and special medical tests (complete online daily report)
• 10/3 - Started Kindergarten at local elementary (complete online daily report)
• 10/4 - Gather more clothing from generous friends (complete online daily report)
• 10/5 - 1st Family Visit one hour away from us and CPS transporter used (complete online daily report)
• 10/6 to 10/8 - Arrange for childcare with my Dad as we have plans for ACL Austin trip and arrange zoo visit (complete online daily report)

WEEK 2

• 10/8 to 10/9 - Fly to Indiana for business meeting so arrange care for C while gone
• 10/10 - 30 Day Medical Appointment at Rees-Jones Foster Clinic, Psychological Evaluation at our house, get haircut and new sneakers
• 10/11- 2nd Family Visit one hour away from us and CPS transporter used
• 10/12 - School out and no childcare available
• 10/13 - All day Behavioral Intervention Training at Jonathan's Place
• 10/14 - Complete various paperwork, scan and email out: service plan, placement inventory, proof of school enrollment, medical forms, daily schedule, monthly calendar, etc. (complete online weekly report)

WEEK 3

• 10/15 - CASA Volunteer visits our home and then we go get school uniforms and coat for weather change
• 10/16 - CPS investigator takes C for more medical tests (complete online weekly report)
• 10/17 - Notified C will move to Kinship Foster Care with grandparents
• 10/18 - Pack up C's belongings and go out for last dinner
• 10/19 - C leaves

BEHAVIOR
This precious five year old was very much an up and down experience. He is an engaging boy with a fun personality who likes to tell stories. He is warm and affectionate. C is constantly on the move, eats well and is super smart. C loves to play with cars and legos.

And C is fiercely independent.

C has a story and experiences that shape his young life. Most mornings were pretty awful in getting C up, dressed and off to school. Many bedtimes routines quickly became meltdowns and a child in total distress. His mood swings were epic in that once he was okay then the traumatized child disappeared completely. C was quite adept at not telling the whole truth thus trust was tough and we had some interesting situations. The Behavioral Intervention Training we attended on 10/13 was quite timely and I definitely tried to use some of the techniques with C this past week. We were working on understanding his triggers and looking for ways to minimize the shut down behaviors. I do think we would have eventually stabilized but it was going to take awhile and lots of patience and love.

The sad truth is that C is exhibiting normal behaviors to an abnormal situation. Little kids should not be let down by their parents. Little kids should not be whisked away to a stranger's house to start a new school, see new doctors, interact with police, government agencies, child advocates and lawyers. Little kids should not be afraid. 

So. We gave C a big hug this afternoon. I hope that C's life turns upward and all works out for that little guy ...

C was super excited to get these cool sneakers ... so cute on him!

Youngest Son and C share flan for a last dinner. C gobbled up the flan - he liked it very much!

The two boxes are not books but full of mostly clothes and some toys. The red bag is the "Family Visit Bag" which C would put things into during the week to share with his family during the one hour weekly visit. The blue backpack from Children's Rees-Jones Foster Clinic has the Halloween costume we bought for him. The other backpacks have school papers and miscellaneous stuff.

Going to next Kinship Foster Care home outfit ...

#notsilent #fostercare #fosterparent #fosterson #fosternumber2

C is Five

C's laugh is true and mischievous. He has a twinkle in his eye that peaks out from under a swath of hair. 
C is five.

C was removed from his home on Monday, October 1.
C is five.

C had his first Family Visit Friday. He came home with snacks, four books, an outfit, a calendar book with stickers and photos of his family. He excitedly showed me the items and as he worked through the photos he quickly became upset and started crying. He misses his family. This morning he covered his head under his blanket and had his family photos clutched to him as he cried softly. We validated his feelings of sadness, let him know we are here and patiently waited for him to emerge.
C is five.

C has been laughing and playing Spot It with Papa (my Dad.) He showed a child's happiness at winning the game. Papa and C head out the door for a walk along the creek and C grabs his stick that he found yesterday.
C is five.

I am explaining foster care to C who is five. I am trying to help him learn terms like Court, Judge and CPS. I am helping him understand that a Judge at Court will decide what happens next and that all of us have to do what the Judge says. I have to tell him that I cannot take him home today. 
C is five.

Young kids in foster care are always thinking about their family. I have learned it is good to create a bag for them to place things during the week that they can take to their weekly Family Visit. This usually contains school papers, art work and items they identify during the week. It creates a concrete representation of "when they go home" or when they will see their family next. C took a bag yesterday to his Family Visit with a gifts for his sisters and pictures for his Mama. We started a red bag today and have put art work in it and he placed all his family photos in the bag "for when he goes home."
C is five.

We bought a halloween costume for C this week. It is a policeman outfit. C asked me this morning if he could take home with him. I assure him that he can.
C is five.

We have lots of people and events in C's life so far ... and more will come:
-CASA volunteer
-CPS Transporter
-CPS Investigator
-C's Attorney
-Jonathan's Place Caseworker
-Judge

10/1 - Placement
10/2 - 3 Day Medical Check Up at Jonathan's Place
10/3 - Started Kindergarten in new school
10/4 - 1st court date rescheduled to 10/12
10/5 - 1st Family Visit with transporter
10/10 - 30 Day Medical Appointment scheduled
10/12 - CASA visit scheduled
10/12 - Next court date
C is five.

Trauma is described as negative events that are emotionally painful and overwhelm a person's ability to cope. The types of trauma that tend to have the greatest adverse psychological consequences are those related to interpersonal or intentional trauma. Trauma changes your being. Trauma never just goes away. We do not judge people by how they manage trauma. Children of trauma have no choice.
We have over 450,000 children in foster care in America. And the numbers are not going down. 

Glimpes:

Foster care notice, monthly Calendar, house rules and fire escape plan required to be posted by Texas law. Daily schedule and feeling chart to help with daily interactions.

C made this for me.

Dinner time coloring at restaurant.

Clothes given to C by kind friends.

More clothes given to C by kind friends along with books and puzzle.

Bedtime routine.

Gift of uniforms!

#notsilent #fostercare #fosterparent #fosterson

First 24 Hours - Foster Placement

The last 24 hours have been a whirlwind.

6:06pm - Our Jonathan's Place Caseworker calls to ask us if we would like to take C, a 5 year old boy. We know that he has a 1 year old sister already placed and a 9 year old step sister. And we know he is in a county one hour away. We say yes if we can get help with transport for family weekly visits.

I tear up thinking of a child that is experiencing a trauma that will be a part of his being.

7:00pm - Our Jonathan's Place Caseworker texts me that our placement has been confirmed. Youngest Son and I are eating dinner as we get the news.

I go into a nesting kind of frenzy. Getting things ready, picking up, setting out some toys ...

9:00pm -  CPS arrives to drop off C but it is not the Investigator that did the home removal so she has no information on any details. C cries for his Mom as we get him out of her car. I work to ease his fears and make him feel welcome. Our Jonathan's Place Caseworker comes over as well.  There is LOTS of paperwork to sign. C sits in my lap drawing while we go through all the forms and I sign my name frequently. C has the clothes he is wearing, an empty backpack except for two school folders, a fuzzy ball keychain and some kiddie hand sanitizer - that is it.

10:00pm -  C is left in our care. We go to his room and he immediately spies the feelings face chart. We go through it. I ask him which face describes how he feels at that moment; he points to happy. He picks out a toothbrush and we brush his teeth. C plays legos for awhile with Youngest Son then I read him Go Dog Go and he falls asleep at about 10:45pm.

C has never been in foster care before thus cannot possibly understand the concept. It was the same with D. I am better prepared this time knowing that explaining what foster care is to C will be important and will take some time but I get started.

9:30am -  C is still asleep. I am surprised but so happy he is getting rest.

10:30am -  C has woken up and he is calmly playing with cars in his room.

10:45am -  I make C some eggs, toast, grapes and chocolate milk. He asked for salt and pepper on his eggs. I am thrilled he is eating healthy foods. C is talkative and good natured. He is in the same clothes he arrived in so he is already dressed for the day.

11:30am -  We head to local elementary to enroll C. C told me what elementary he has been attending and that is about all I know. The registrar has never handled a foster child but we fumble through together. We meet C's kindergarten teacher. We visit the school uniform closet - not much there but we manage to get enough to start the week.

Foster kids must be in school within 72 hours. I also have to work so getting to school is critical path. 

12:30pm -  We are at YMCA to enroll for after school care.

1:06pm -  The CPS Investigator calls me while I am at YMCA so I stop to take the call. Foster parents do not ignore phone numbers they do not recognize. He request that I take C for a medical test and attempts to hang up. I stop him and I am able to gather the details in C's case known so far. I learn the first court date will be October 4.

1:45pm -  We arrive to get C's medical test. C asks to go What-A-Burger for lunch - you bet!

2:10pm -  At What-A-Burger C eats a dry cheeseburger, apple slices and milk. Again I am so happy to see him eat well.

3:00pm -  We arrive at Jonathan's Place for his 3 day medical exam. The State of Texas requires all foster children to be looked at within 3 days of placement. We are fortunate that Jonathan's Place has a medical professional onsite on Tuesdays and Fridays. He is in great shape except for a very small area of scabies. So the cream to get rid of them is called into the pharmacy and we are told to wash everything (linens, etc.) in hot water.

4:00pm -  We visit Jonathan's Place Warehouse to try to get some clothes. There was not a allot in his size but we get a few items. C also gets a couple folders needed for school and some toys.

5:20pm -  We go to CVS to find that the cream is $140!! I let them know C has Medicaid. They will process through and the charge will be $0. WHEW.

5:45pm -  We drop by Marshall's to get a few required clothing basics to manage through the week at least.

6:10pm -  We are at home and it is bath time for C. He has a good time in our big bathtub with bubbles. I start figuring out how he is with water and self-care. We apply the cream from head to toe and dress him in sorta PJs (could not really find his size today.) He looks so dang cute.

7:00pm -  I have dinner on the table: salmon (Youngest Son smoked last weekend), spinach salad, baked potatoes, grapes and milk. C eats all of it except for the cucumbers in the salad. I am thrilled. Eating can frequently be a difficult experience with foster kids.

8:00pm - We start establishing a bedtime routine. Brush teeth and read books. As I read to him, I can see him getting quiet. He has been chatty with me all day. I tuck him in and I let him know I will be on couch in his room until he falls asleep. A few minutes later I hear the choking and the tears and the words asking for his Mom. I go hug him, talk to him and find him a stuffed doggie to snuggle. I return to couch. A few moments later he is on the couch wrapped in my arms missing his Mom, Dad, sisters and dogs. I hold him. I talk to him. Eventually I get him back in his bed and he falls asleep at about 9:15pm ...

AND THAT IS THE FIRST 24 HOURS. 
I am definitely more prepared this time and understand the system so much better. C is an engaging little boy with a Texas twang who has a mischievious smile. And here we go ...

A Note on D:
D turned 7 and we went to his birthday party. We loved seeing him and he was super excited to see Youngest Son. D and his toddler brother are still with the wonderful foster family and thriving and loved. D's mother had a healthy baby boy. It is expected that D will stay in foster care for an undetermined amount of time.

GLIMPSES

Youngest Son made this lego car for C and he took it with us on our zillions of Day 1 Foster errands.

Our What-A-Burger stop!

#notsilent #fostercare #fosterparent #fosterson

First Placement and the Next

Updates on D and His Family
D is thriving in his foster home with his younger brother. He started first grade. We will will go to his first soccer game next Saturday and his 7th Birthday Party. We will be with D's foster family and his biological family. Three families from different cities, different backgrounds and different faiths have come together with the shared spirit of taking care of these children. It is remarkable really.

The circumstances under which D left us have made the transition easier. We know he is safe and loved. I am able to communicate with his foster parents and we are able to see him. This is not always how foster care plays out.

I have been taking lots of baby stuff to D's Mother due to the incredible generosity of my Mom Friends. Her baby boy should be born very soon. I am developing a relationship with her. This is definitely new territory for me.

D's story and that of his mother can go lots of different directions. It is entirely possible that a traumatic event has been the catalyst for a better life for them. I hope so.

Our Next Placement 
We open back up for a foster child on Monday.


Glimpse of The Problem:

From Jonathan's Place Annual Report - 2013.

#notsilent #fostercare #fosterparent #helpingothers 

A Summer of Change and Meaning

This disjointed post is about transitions, change, growing up, helping others and how they are connected in my brain today ...

Our Summer Ends with D (Kinda)

D moved from our home to his new foster family on August 2nd thus he has officially been gone for two weeks. We are comforted that D is with his toddler brother and a truly wonderful foster family. We are also fortunate that we have seen him most days. D is still attending summer camp and I have been picking him up in the afternoons until his foster dad finishes his work day. I also took D to his Family Visit last Friday at CPS thus seeing D's Bio Family too.

D will start 1st grade next Monday at his new school and he is signed up for a soccer team which he will love. His 7th birthday is soon. We hope to be a part of his birthday celebration and watch a few soccer games!

D has done well with the transition and seems happier this week than last week. He is skipping around and chatting away and just super cute. Our family and the other foster family have also been transitioning. We have been helping each other.

Youngest Son's Summer Wraps Up

Youngest Son has completed an interesting summer. For eight weeks, he has worked full-time at the Jewish Community Center in their camps (10.5 hours a day for last two weeks!) Every Saturday, he has volunteered at Children's Medical Center as an ambassador and in the play room. This week he let us know "Oh, I have been recommended and approved for Children's Medical Center Fall Volunteer program and will volunteer two Saturdays a month."

We started our teens managing their own budgets and expenses at age 14.  Each August, I sit down with them to go over last year's cash flow in their Excel spreadsheet and they propose the next twelve month budget. Youngest Son was taking me through his spend for July. He had a charge for 70 cents at a retail store - what? Youngest Son "Oh, the person in front of me did not have enough money so I just helped them." Then there was a cash withdrawal and he was accounting for where it went "Oh, I gave some to a homeless man."

Youngest Son asked me "When are we getting our next foster child?" And when I countered questioned Youngest Son about his thoughts on fostering D, Youngest Son said "I liked having a younger brother."  (Interesting that he did not say foster brother - I love that.)

These seemingly disconnected accounts about Youngest Son are tied together in a meaningful way. I see he is helping others under his own initiative in different areas of his teen life.

Oldest Son's Summer of Change

Oldest Son spent seven weeks on the road in Washington DC and Michigan working debate camp including a teaching assistant role. On social media, I was able to view a simple and funny thank you sign obviously given to Oldest Son by his students. Oldest Son posted a picture of it captioned as "7 weeks of debate camp was long, but my labbies made it worth it" so I will interpret this as a good sign (pun intended) that Oldest Son also focused on making it a priority to be helpful to others.

I follow Oldest Son's twitter and he sends me articles and stuff. I am beyond proud of Oldest Son's priorities. Every belief system decision and every progressive position demonstrates a deep and sure understanding of human rights. Helping others is the very foundation each stand Oldest Son takes; that is the way I see it.

And the ultimate transition of the Summer: Oldest Son drove off to college last week.

And A Future Foster Child ...
We are closed to accepting a foster child at the moment but expect to open up again soon. It appears to be a good way for us to help others and truth be told, ourselves too.

#notsilent #fostercare #fosterparent #fosterson #helpingothers #raisingteens

And the Transition with D Begins ...

Friday afternoon I see a phone call from unknown caller. Since becoming a foster parent, I have learned to answer all calls. It is D's CVS Caseworker from CPS. It is THE call.

Background
We know that D and his younger brother will likely be placed in kinship care with an aunt. However, these things take awhile. On July 20, we learned that the kinship placement would not happen in August and is now targeted for September.

We have been discussing since June the alternative of moving D to the foster family who is caring for his younger brother. "We" means us, the other foster family, Jonathan's Place Caseworker, Buckner Caseworker, CVS Caseworker, CVS Caseworker's Supervisor, CASA Volunteer and Guardian Ad Litem. That is allot of entities to get on the same page.

I initiated the move conversations and not because we want D to leave our family. It is just the opposite. We love having him and caring for him. He is a part of our family. It is because my role is to do what is best for D. My love for D has to be as strong as this little boy who is already facing life with a history of trauma and the odds against him. It is D that is the brave one. We are just fortunate to have the opportunity attempt to meet his level of courage and strength.

I feel strongly that siblings belong together. His new foster family is wonderful. We do know every transition like this is undesirable for a foster child. In this case, we had to make the decision that the benefit of being with his brother outweighed the negatives. We also needed to make sure it happened before school started to minimize disruption.

When you hear the stories of kids being in multiple foster homes, you often wonder why does this happen? Here is an example of a move that is rooted in love and not a problem. Foster care is complicated.

Processing and Transitioning
I did cry when I got THE call Friday. D will move to his new Foster Home this Thursday. This week. How could I not cry?

We are now helping D understand what is about to happen. He is doing okay but is asking lots of questions and saying he will miss us. D is enrolled in Camp for next two weeks. I am going to help his new foster parents keep him there and I am going to enroll/pay for a third week to help them out. His new foster mom is a teacher so this will help with the care gap between now and school starting. Thus I expect to see him over next few weeks ... (interruption as I write)

D just walked in and asked "Why am I going to live with (younger brother name)?" So I explain to him in terms a 6 year old can understand and making sure he feels loved and safe.

On Tuesday, the new foster mom, D's younger brother, D's mother, D's grandmother, a couple other kids, D and I are going to Hawaiian Falls. We have made some conscious decisions to cross certain boundaries with D's bio family. Again, we are making educated, thoughtful decisions that we think will benefit D and his brother in the long term. We can try to surround these precious boys with as much love as possible.

The Joy
There have been so many joys with D. One of the greatest is seeing Youngest Son with D. Youngest Son is so patient, caring and affectionate with D ... always. Last week I had an appointment so I dropped D off at the JCC at 6pm with Youngest Son after Youngest Son had worked 10.5 hours as Camp Counselor. Youngest Son met me in parking lot and instructed me to give him the booster and that he was going to give D "a private tour of the JCC." After the tour, Youngest Son then took him out to eat and then did D's evening routine of bath, books and bed. Youngest Son sat with D in his room as he fell asleep. Youngest Son is 16 and I am proud.

Youngest Son just got up and I am listening (as I write) to Youngest Son and D playing and laughing out loud.

D's Mother
D's mother is very young. D's mother is pregnant with her third son due in early September. D's mother has D (who will turn 7 in September) and his brother who is 20 months old. She is working her service plan from CPS to regain custody of her sons. She really trying. She is loving and kind. I sincerely hope she is able to pull it all together.

Glimpes ...

Gifts from special friend ... we are so fortunate.

Off to Camp!

Watching tortillas being made :)

Dodge Ball! D had a collision last week and with gusher nose bleed - oh my! 

Thankful Tree at Camp -  what D is thankful for ... he loves camp!

More fun at camp!

Snuggled up watching Netflix 

Summer with D

So much has happened in the last month …

Dental Surgery
D had day surgery at Children’s Hospital to remove 9 teeth which included 8 baby molars. D’s Mom was with me from 9am to 5pm. It was good and right for D’s Mom to be with him. He has recovered remarkably well. He now has 6 bottom baby front teeth and two 6-year molars; that is it. We have to make sure his food is cut up but he is eating way more foods than I would have expected.

It was an emotionally draining day.

D’s Mom

D’s Mom is young and a victim herself. She is working her service plan to get the boys back. The service plan includes parenting classes and therapy among other requirements. I gave her my phone number so I do get daily texts and I try to respond to her with a couple updates and pictures daily. We have established a schedule for her to talk to D on Sunday and Wednesday nights and then she visits with him on Fridays at the weekly Family Visit.

We got permission from CPS for me to meet her at a shoe store last week. She wanted to buy him new shoes and pick them out with him. It made her so happy and D too. He can put on those shoes each day and know his Mom got them for him.

My job is to foster D AND to support this mother as she attempts to beat the odds. The relationship between the biological family and foster family can look a zillion different ways dependent on so many different variables. Each story is truly unique. The circumstances are never easy thus navigating them can be tricky.

D's Mom is trying hard. She is loving and caring. She has an uphill trek to get things to work out.

D's Mom is pregnant with her third son.

D’s Vision
We finally got D to the vision clinic at Children’s. He needs to wear glasses all the time and the doctor recommends eye surgery to correct his drifting right eye. So, we have now gotten D a couple pair of glasses and have an appointment in August for a pre-op assessment.

Hoping to get this done before he leaves our home.

D’s Summer

We are tremendously grateful to be able to send D to Addison Athletic Club Day Camp this week. He gets to attend with a family friend that lives in Addison. The camp is so affordable and fun and just right for D. And I was thrilled that he passed the swimming test!

D will go with his toddler brother’s foster family on vacation to San Antonio next week. He is excited and will have a wonderful time with this generous and loving foster family. They are kinda like our co-parenting foster family since the two families are fostering each brother.

I did file my first Incident Report. D hit his head on side of our pool and had quite a goose egg. Fortunately, he is fine. Incident Reports are required for bumps, bruises and cuts that happen and sometimes it prompts an investigation. This is all a part of fostering so that the foster child is protected.

D had Swimmer’s Ear so we visited acute care at Rees-Jones Clinic. The Dallas location was booked but Plano worked to get us an appointment quickly. Dallas/Plano is so fortunate to have this foster care facility as part of Children’s Medical Center.

D is happy and thriving.

The Foster Care Team Update

0) Placement Update - NEW UPDATE - There is a kinship home study being conducted so D and his toddler brother can possibly move in with a relative. Kinship care is like foster care but with a relative of the foster child. The home study is with the paternal aunt and initial steps have been completed. The aunt will move into a larger home with the legally required amount of space for D and his toddler brother on August 1. The judge did not order this home study so there are also steps that must be taken with the judge. We are hoping if the boys are moved then it happens before school starts so D will have not have to change schools later.

1) Jonathan's Place (JP) Caseworker (Agency Caseworker) - NEW UPDATE – Our JP Caseworker came by for monthly visit last week.

2) CVS Caseworker (CPS Conservatorship Caseworker) - NEW UPDATE – Our CVS Caseworker met with D for about 5 minutes and me for about 15 minutes this week. She let me know she is leaving next Wednesday to go back to graduate school. She has an interim supervisor since her supervisor left a few weeks ago. We do not know who the new Caseworker will be … huge sigh.

3) Guardian Ad Litem (Attorney for the foster child) - The Guardian Ad Litem met D on Saturday (May 12th) at our home. I have not heard from him since that date, but I have been told that he approved the kinship placement.

4) CASA Volunteer (Child advocate volunteer) - CASA Volunteer has been to a June Family Visit at CPS. She also picked up and took D to Chucky Cheese on June 18. D was SO excited. I have definitely grown to appreciate her interactions with D and us. I consider her a stronger part of our Foster Care Team.

5) Therapist Evaluation - NEW UPDATE -The therapist has met with D twice in our home and will be back every couple weeks.

6) Biological Family -  NEW UPDATE - The biological family for D includes Mom, Dad, grandmothers, an aunt, cousins and other young relatives. D also has a toddler brother in another foster care home. We have Family Visits every Friday at 2pm at CPS. The Dad is not available for visits.

7) Judge - The Judge is ultimately the decision maker for just about everything. The last court date was June 8. The next court check point is scheduled for October 2018. There will have to be special court date(s) requested to process the kinship placement. The Judge will also need to define service plan for Mom to get kids back.

8) CPS 3rd Party Home Study Entity - CPS contracts with 3rd parties to conduct home studies. Initial home visit completed for kinship placement.

9) Foster Sitters - NEW UPDATE -We have certified Foster Sitters #1, #2 and #3 along with Oldest Son and Youngest Son certified. We have several other sitters still in motion. It is a PROCESS.

#notsilent #fostercare #fosterparent #fosterson #fostercourt

Glimpses ...

Big boy headed into Addison Athletic Club Day Camp and in new sneakers from Mom.

July 4th Parade in Stephenville!

Making a Crocodile Puppet before Lion King

A great outing for us and D :)

New Glasses

Playing in fun lobby at Rees-Jones Center for Foster Care Excellence at Children's when visiting doctor for Swimmers' Ear

Hope, Health and Healing says it all. (Rees-Jones Center)