What A Foster Child Thinks

Cuddling and bedtime ...

Z starts a game of “What Makes You Happy?” This is completely his idea. We take turns. Some responses are funny, some are childlike, some are silly and two slam into my heart like a bulldozer:

Z says “You never ignore me.”

Z says “You always listen to me.”

... Z is 6 years old.

Z passes his hearing test this morning at Children’s Medical Center :)

End of Week 3 with Z ... Rollercoaster

We are definitely on the foster care rollercoaster. 

Heading Up On The Rollercoaster With A Smile

We went to Children's Rees-Jones Foster Care Center last Monday for Z's 30 day medical check up. I asked the pediatrician for advice on how to handle the bedtime meltdowns. She reminded me that Z might be at the emotional level of a 3 year old (many foster kids 2-3 years behind in various ways) and she asked me if I had tried rocking him. I had not and we do not have a rocking chair in his room. BUT, I can wrap him in blanket and hold him "like a baby" on the couch and talk to him. So, that is what I have done for the past 5 nights and we also have a sticker chart for Z for each positive bedtime. Z has not had a bedtime meltdown since we started this approach. Crossing my fingers that this lasts.

We celebrated Valentines with Youngest Son and Z with our traditional Hershey Kiss trail leading to gifts. Youngest Son even got up early so we could have our morning celebration before I left for work and Z went to school.

This morning I took Z to a soccer clinic at the YMCA and he did fairly well. Two hours is a long time for him to stay focused but Z managed to participate about 80% of the time. He had a good time and is starting to learn kick a soccer ball.

He eats like a champ! Z will eat anything we put in front of him. It is helpful that food is not an issue and he is getting great nutrition.

Heading Down On The Rollercoaster Screaming

We are dealing with behaviors that are tough. Listening to requests, following rules, transitions and hearing "no" is hard for Z. There have been challenging moments almost every day.

We are trying to figure out how to help Z so I have actioned the following with the help of Jonathan's Place Case Manager and our Children's Rees-Jones Pediatrician:

• Hearing test on Monday
• Speech therapy request in motion
• Weekly therapy at our house starts Thursday
• We have Psychological Assessment set up for the week of Feb 25
• We have follow up psychological assessment at Children's Rees-Jones the week of March 4
• We have officially requested in writing a special ed assessment at Z's public school elementary
• We are documenting and reporting all concerning occurrences

I picked up these books with the recognition that we need to think about what a 3 year old would like ... Good Night Gorilla is a big hit so far! 

And just to make things more interesting, I fell and hurt my wrist so in a splint this week.

Working Mom Valentines shopping at the company store.

Z moving fast to pick up the Hershey Kisses on Valentines.

Z LOVES cars and Cars. I finally bought the Disney movie on Prime Amazon.

Soccer clinic this morning.

Some People Feel More Than Others. Me.

Me. Green Eyes. No make-up. Naturally greying hair. Age spots. Emerging wrinkles. T-shirt.

Some people feel more than others.

I did a selective cut-n-paste from this Psychology Today article. These resonate with me. Perhaps are Me.

People who feel more deeply and intensely than others are more aware of subtleties; their brain processes information and reflects on it more deeply. People with emotional intensity are sometimes described as sensitive, caring, and attentive. At their best, they can be exceptionally perceptive, intuitive, and keenly observant of the subtleties of the environment. Yet they are also overwhelmed by the constant waves of social nuances and others’ emotional and psychic energies. 

• You experience emotions to an unusual level of depth, complexity, and intensity. This makes you feel incredibly alive, sometimes painfully so.
• You have a constant stream of both positive and negative feelings, sometimes together, sometimes from one to another in a short period.
• You are passionate, even if you do not show it on the outside. 
• You tend to form strong emotional connections with people, places, and things, and sometimes that makes separation difficult.
• However, being naturally open and sensitive also means you are vulnerable to relational injuries from a young age. Your natural tendency to be open and loving may get stunted due to early rejections and trauma.
• Being perceptively gifted means you can sense and perceive things that others miss. With acute awareness, you can see beyond superficiality, grasp patterns and make linkages.
• Insights, intuition, and the ability to read several layers of reality allow you to assess people and situations rapidly. You can sense incongruence and their intentions, thoughts, and feelings that are underneath the facades.
• However, your abilities do not necessarily make life easy. You are bothered by hypocrisies and unfairness and struggle with inauthentic people and situations. You cannot help but be the one who points out the ‘elephant in the room’, but your perceptiveness may seem intimidating to those who felt ‘seen through’.
• You have an innate urge to push the boundaries of conformity, to question or to challenge traditions, particularly those that seem meaningless or unfair. Paired with a strong sense of justice, you are often frustrated with corruptions and inequality in the world. 
• Although this may indicate a challenging life path for you, you also have the potential to thrive as a visionary leader.
• Intellectually, you are inquisitive and reflective. You have a strong need to seek to understand, to expand your horizons, to gain knowledge and to analyze your mental content.
• With an ability to process information with speed and depth, you absorb and surge through information very quickly.  You are likely to be an avid reader and a keen observer.  You may appear critical and impatient with others who cannot keep up with you.
• You also can integrate intellectual concepts with your deep feelings for original conceptions. You may have a constant stream of ideas, sometimes so many that you feel you cannot keep up with it.   
• You tend to experience zealous enthusiasm about certain topics and endeavors. When you get excited about an idea, your mind runs faster than your words can keep up, or you find yourself talking rapidly, perhaps even interrupting others. 
• You are highly capable of contemplative thinking and self-reflection. The flip side is that you may be occupied with obsessive thoughts, and scrupulous self- examination. You may also suffer from perfectionism and self-criticism.
• You are extremely open-minded.
• You might have felt frustrated that those around you were not prepared to discuss and consider weighty concerns.
• Your existential angst may manifest as an unnamed sense of urgency, a constant impulse to move forward.  You get a constant ‘niggling’ feeling that there is something important that you should be doing, even when your vision is not clear yet.   You live with a feeling that somehow time is running out, and you are not doing what you should be doing. 
• For some unnamed reason, you feel a weight of responsibility on your shoulder - even for things you are not responsible for. 
• Your angst propels you to learn, to expand, and to advance in your life path, but it can also paralyze you.   You may be prone to creative blockages such as ‘artist’s block,’ ‘writer’s block,’ procrastination, the fear of exposure or the Imposter Syndrome (the feeling that you are a fraud).
• Nevertheless, you have always known deep down that you are dissatisfied with a life that is meaningless and task-driven.
• You may be a polymath, or a ’multipotentialite’ - someone with multiple interests and creative pursuits, and not just one calling. 
• When you have a strong vision or innovative idea, you can feel the split between belongingness and authentic expression— you want to express with your full, authentic self but you are worried that it means being rejected, or leaving people behind.

“Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.” —Margery Williams Bianco, The Velveteen Rabbit

Fostering Z - Week 2 - Survival

The theme this week was all about survival. Foster Dad was out of town so I was in working single parent mode. It was tough and I am really glad it is Friday.

Sickness
Youngest Son, Z and I were all sick this week. Both Youngest Son and I were at the doctor on Tuesday. Youngest Son missed a couple days of school with a sinus infection. I have some wacky throat virus that took my voice away Wednesday afternoon and it is still gone. Talking is a fairly crucial part of my job so working has been painful (literally.) Z has had a cold all week with the sniffles and a cough.

Logistics
Most days I am commuting to Fort Worth. Getting a 6 year old up and to school and me to Fort Worth requires careful sequencing. One morning as I was walking out with Z, I discovered Z had COMPLETELY missed the toilet and there was a huge puddle of urine on the bathroom floor. All I could do was throw down a towel and leave it for when I returned after work; just did not have time to stop. That took some mental maneuvering for me to leave without cleaning up. It was the FIRST thing I did when I got home.

Oh and I backed into our mechanical gate one morning as well and knocked it off the track. Just a bit distracted. Yikes!

Meltdowns
Week 2 of foster care is hard. A foster child has had the first weekly family visit. The child is more comfortable but also realizes they are in an alien land. Foster parents are trying to put together the puzzle of this child: behaviors, personality, likes, dislikes, triggers, the list is endless because so little is known. Everyday is a reveal. Clues arrive like education records, CPS provided information and comments from the child.

This was week 2 with Z. He had several meltdowns with some fairly major. Some nights he goes right to sleep and other nights he is out of control. One of our awesome foster babysitters took Z to McDonalds to eat and play and he did great until it was time to leave. It was so difficult for him to go that she had to call me to come help. I was able to talk him into a calm state and out the door. Each day I am learning and getting better at knowing how to prevent the meltdown and also how to defuse when he goes to a bad place.

Unclear if Z's life has included consistency, structure and discipline that comes from a stable home environment. I have no way to judge how he has been loved.

The Important Stuff
On Thursday, Z was picked up from school to drive over an hour to visit with his Bio Mom for an hour and then drive back home another hour. HE.IS.SIX. On the way back, he vomited in the CPS transporter's car. I think he was tired, had a cold, probably stressed and maybe car sick. I get a call from CPS and leave from Fort Worth immediately. Once home, we both put on our PJs. I turn on a kiddie show on amazon prime. I lit the fire. We snuggled on the coach and relaxed together. We both felt yucky and it was good to "be." We skipped bath and I had no voice to read to him. He went to bed easily and Z woke me up at 7:12am this morning announcing "I am not sick anymore." So I got this little boy off to school with a smile on his face.

Court
Today was the mandatory 14 day court date. Z will stay with us for now. The next court date is March 26th.

And on to the third week.

This says it all.

Z is a fabulous eater. Here is PB&J, apples and Ovaltine! Tonight he had Thai food with us where he ate tofu even.

Much appreciated booster seat and two books that Z loves! Especially Giraffes Can't Dance. Grateful to generous friends.

We are responsible for cultural education and Z is biracial. Here is one way for us to help Z connect with his black culture and history.

Z - Foster Care Week One

The week has gone ... as expected. We are better equipped to know how things are going to go. Here is a typical week one for foster care:

• Clothing: Z arrived Friday night, January 25th, with a few basics but we had to equip him with most clothing. Through generous friends and some clothes we already had, he had everything he needed by Sunday! We also visited Jonathan's Place warehouse on Tuesday to get a few more clothing items, shoes and toys.

• Texas Law School Enrollment: We enrolled Z in our local elementary in Kindergarten. He was able to start Monday. Texas laws allow foster kids to be enrolled with the understanding that their school records will arrive later.

• Aftercare: Since Foster Dad and I both work, we must have care after school. Our local elementary YMCA care was full. We explained our situation and fortunately they were able to enroll Z by Wednesday last week. The YMCA program is at the school and provides exceptional care. We are not reimbursed by the State for the after care costs since YMCA is not certified by Texas to partner on funding (I think this is ridiculous and an issue in foster care.)

• Texas Law Medical 3 Day: Z had to have a medical exam within 3 days of placement. Thankfully, Jonathan's Place provides access to a medical professional at their location on Tuesdays and Fridays. We were able to take Z in Tuesday afternoon. His health is good and he is on the small side.

• Service Plan for First 30 Days: Our Jonathan's Place Caseworker documented Z's 30 Day Service Plan and we signed it.

• Texas Law Family Visit: The goal of foster care is family reunification and this is supported by weekly family visits. Z had his first visit last Thursday with his Bio Mom. CPS provided transport since the location is one hour away. Z was out of school for 1/2 day and this will happen every week. Z was not overly distressed after this visit but we have seen some acting out over the weekend. He reported he was happy to see Bio Mom and they played a game. The visits occur at the CPS office and are supervised.

• Texas Law Medical and Dental: I have made Z's required 30 day medical appointment at Children's Rees-Jones Foster Clinic for February 11.  I also have to make a dental appointment.

• Reports: During first week I am supposed to do daily online reports. Between care and work, this proved to be a challenge this week.

• Structured Activities: We have signed Z up for YMCA Swim lessons in March and a soccer intro clinic.

Here is how Z is doing and how we are doing:

• Z eats VERY well. He is eating a wide variety of foods and he is eating large portions. He seems to be responding to healthy, consistent nutrition. We are grateful that foods are not an issue. He fits in well at our family dinner table. Z even went to Flower Child with us and gobbled up his organic, healthy meal.

• With some sage advice and products gifted from trusted friend, we are learning to take care of Z's hair and skin. Z is biracial so we have a learning curve. After one week, I think his hair and skin look better than when he joined us.

• Once asleep, Z does sleep through most of night. We have been working diligently to get him away from a 5am wake up time and seem to be making some progress toward our 7am goal. He did act out at bedtime last night which was stressful ... hopefully tonight will be better.

• We are working on a daily schedule and structure. We do not think Z had a structured paradigm so he can be resistant which results in moments of defiance. Overall, I think we are making progress and he is responding positively most of time. We just have to put forth the energy and dedication to get him comfortable.

• Z is doing well with independence. He can dress himself, brush his teeth, put away toys and take dishes to sink.

• Emotionally, Z seems happy and okay being here. He is high energy! He loves shooting baskets outside so we have been doing that allot. Z plays with cars all the time and his favorite toy is his remote controlled car. He does exhibit fears of bugs and anything that looks scary to him.

• Z is a dodger meaning he takes off on us. While at Youngest Son's soccer game, Z ran onto the field while Youngest Son's team was playing. I ran after him, he ran more, I grabbed, he fell, I picked him up ... we were great entertainment for the crowd in the stands.

• Z is a talker. His verbal skills are on track, vocabulary decent and he has an easy laugh. He is a joyful child who enjoys school. Reading time is fun for both of us; he is responding to being read to and is totally engaged. CPS believes Z will benefit from one on one attention. I agree.

• By Texas State Law, Z will get a psychological evaluation. I have also requested an occupational (gross motor skills) and speech (some letters pronounced wrong) assessments.

• Foster Dad, Youngest Son and I are all doing well too. We are able to set parameters around our foster placements. Our home is open to one elementary age child with basic care requirements. I think one child is about all we can manage truthfully.

Glimpses:

Products!

100 Day Poster

Clothes - Thanks to generous friends!

More Clothes - Thanks to more generous friends!

I got this as gift when D was with us ... child #3 now playing with boat at bath time.

Loves Basketball!

Opening up a new toy car :)