All Children Deserve a Chance

This is Love.

Life is messy. Most of us are just trying to do the best we can.

Youngest Son
"You know I was thinking while I was driving today and it occurred to me that D has no chance."

Commuter Husband
"If things were different and D was available. I might want to adopt him. Can you believe I am saying this? He is such a great kid."

D's Family (Two Grandmothers, an Aunt and a Cousin)
D's Family walked into the CPS office today with a huge, beautiful bouquet of flowers for me. I am crying typing these words. D's family simply wants their family back together. They are grateful D is being cared for while they are dealing with judges and courts and working unfamiliar systems to get their kids back.

It is all about compassion and empathy and love. Each of us touching D's young life right now wants him to be safe and happy. And to have a chance. All children deserve a chance.

I want to be part of a society that helps pick people up when they fall; a society that protects ALL children when adults fail them and where protection is usually defined in lots of complex ways.

Grapes!

One of the great joys of fostering kids is the opportunity to show them new sights and give them new experiences. This can be epic exposures or small daily steps.

In the category of small daily steps is food choices. Getting foster kids to eat healthy foods is a common challenge and was part of our training at Jonathan's Place. There are several drivers to this situation. If a foster child has experienced neglect then they have probably eaten non-perishable quick foods (packaged chips, sodas, cookies) that they can access for themselves and fast food the adults pick up that is cheap and easy. If the child comes from a home of poverty then fresh vegetables and fruits were probably too expensive and a menu without much variety would be usual. There are also children who come from different cultures and the foods that match. Once a foster child starts family visits, their family desperately wants to connect in the brief one hour they have each week and have control over something. They usually bring fast food, candy, sweets and sodas; I get it.

D has come from a home of limited means and his culture is that of Latin America, primarily El Salvador. We have approached meals with balance. We want D to feel welcome and comfortable. Thus, our family now eats pupusas once a week and we love them so he has expanded our culinary world. We are cooking beans weekly (pinto and kidney so far) as well which we also enjoy. I put a small bit of each item we are having on his plate and ask him to try it. I also have bowls of fresh veggies and fruits sitting on the table. He is such a great kid in that he always takes a tiny bite. When he does not like it, I get a funny scrunched up face back at me. We have been unsuccessful so far in finding a fresh vegetable that he will eat - oh my.

BUT today we had a small victory! D ate green grapes AND grilled cheese/turkey sandwich. I was seriously thrilled to see him reach for the bowl of green grapes and he gave me a thumbs up and a toothless grin on the grilled sandwich.

The Foster Care Team Update

1) Jonathan's Place (JP) Caseworker - NEW UPDATE - Friday afternoon, our JP Caseworker texted me that D would have his second family visit at CPS on Monday from 12pm-1pm. I requested he call me immediately and he did. He had not had a chance to read my report on the emotional and chaotic family visit from last Monday so I explained to him what happened. I asked him to try to find which family members would be at the visit and if our CVS Caseworker would be there too.

2) CVS Caseworker (CPS Conservatorship Worker)  No contact with D yet. Hoping will be at visit on Monday.

3) Guardian Ad Litem (Attorney for the foster child) D's attorney has not contacted us yet and court date is May 4 - this Friday.

4) CASA Volunteer - NEW UPDATE - D's CASA volunteer contacted us on Friday. She had not read anything about D's case yet so I gave her the background. She brought D a puzzle and visited with D today; they worked on the puzzle and played soccer. She will be at the second family visit Monday (tomorrow) and can observe. She cannot be at court Friday, May 4, so her CASA supervisor will be there instead with her report.

5) Therapist Evaluation - NEW UPDATE - The therapist, Dr. J, came to our house last Friday from 4:30pm to 7:30pm. She spent one hour with us on intake and another two hours with D. Dr. J was conducting the state mandated review that must be completed within 30 days. She did indicate D might be more comfortable speaking in Spanish but he did fine. She will recommend a therapist to help him with his sadness at the loss of his family. 

6) Biological Family - The biological family for D includes Mom, Dad, grandmothers, an aunt and cousins. We are fairly sure there is a request for kinship care and expect to learn more specifics over the next week.

Glimpses ...

D, age 6, was happy to ride the JUST RIGHT bike for him. He still needs training wheels. We are grateful for this gift to D!

It has been a very long time (years) since I spent the morning at the park. Saturday was lovely.

We went to a Foster Kid Event Saturday afternoon that provided foster kids with bikes and skateboards. We did get the green bike but 20 inches and no training wheels so this bike will be for later ...

At first, there was no way D wanted to take the skateboard lesson. But then he did. We were so glad to see him work through the fear to give it a try.

And D is off!

By the end of the lesson, he could stand and go a short distance on his own! We have the skateboard and helmet so now time to get pads! 

Thanks to a friend for sending us to Sam Food & Beer so we can get pupusas very close to our house. These are frijoles and cheese filled cooking for us.

Week 3 with D

D brought home this drawing of me from school today. Ahhhh. I must admit that Commuter Husband and I got a hearty chuckle over what appears to be my beard but D says is my neck. Maybe it is a scarf? 

D's Emotional State

D's week has been full of real life hard emotions. Here are some of the questions and comments he conveys to me over and over:

• I miss my Mom and Dad
• I want my Mom and Dad
• Why did this happen?
• It is not fair
• I want to see my family
• Can I take this to my house?
• The solitary "M o m m y" comes out as a primal cry

Tuesday afternoon was hours of tears and whimpering. Wednesday was less. On Thursday, our D only shed a few tears. Sleep and food followed the same pattern.

D has been moving to the couch in his room to sleep and burrowing into it. So I put a soft, velour bed seat on side of his bed so he could snuggle up to it ... he seems to like it. It appears he slept in the same room and possibly same bed as other kids so sleeping all by himself is understandably an adjustment.

It is brutal to see a six-year old so anguished. However, I am impressed with the way D can verbalize his feelings and experience his disappointment and confusion and sadness. I would be way more worried if he was not having all these feelings. Owning our feelings and being able to share them with others is emotionally healthy ... even when you are a little kid.

No surprise that D is already relying on grit. Even through all the emotional upheaval, he continues to be highly functioning at school and home. Today we saw lots of those smiles showing back up and his curiosity shining bright.

First Foster Care Schedule and Legal Restrictions Conflict

Today I faced a logistics problem directly related to foster care legal restrictions. Youngest Son came home sick and I made a 2:30pm appointment to go to the doctor. The problem was that I also had to pick up D at 3pm and Youngest Son was too sick to drive himself.

In my normal childcare world, I would have just called on a friend or fellow parent to get my kiddo. In the foster care world, I must have a certified babysitter and I do not have that support system quite established yet. It took me a few minutes but I decided I would just have to pull D out of school early and he would go with us to the doctor. Not the greatest approach but it worked.

The Foster Care Team Update

1) CVS Caseworker (CPS Conservatorship Worker) No updates from our CVS Caseworker since brief phone conversation last Thursday. I assume she will visit D at some point. Guessing D will have another family visit at CPS next week but no word yet. Family visits are usually weekly. We will be more prepared.

2) Guardian Ad Litem (Attorney for the foster child) D's attorney has not contacted us yet and court date is May 4.

3) CASA Volunteer D's CASA volunteer, if he has one, has not contacted us yet.

4) Therapist - NEW UPDATE - We have the therapist evaluation scheduled for tomorrow at 4:30 at our house. It will take a least a couple hours. This is a legally required evaluation and our Agency helped make it happen. I was surprised and glad that they come to our home.

5) School Teacher - NEW UPDATE - D opened up to one of his teachers this week.

Glimpses ...

Miracle kiddie clock. D is getting up frequently during night so we have this clever device to help teach him time and when it is really morning (not 1am or 4am or 5:30am ...) Purchased with generous gift card! 

Another pupusa location! Does not look like much and in questionable area but tasty food for sure. A considerate  friend with friends from El Salvador tracked this down for us.

D picked out this cookie at "Sam Food and Beer" seen above. He told me his whole family eats these. He was so happy to get them. And I like them too! 

Distracting D while at the doctor with Youngest Son. Search books are the best!

LOVE when Commuter Husband gets home on Thursdays. D saw him pull up in front of house and excitedly ran to the door to greet him. Commuter Husband took over bath time and reading BOB books to D. Check out Commuter Husband's shoes - LOL!

Foster Care Impacts Begin

I am having a hard time even knowing where to start with this post ...

Start With The Good

D went with us to Austin last Friday and Saturday to watch Youngest Son play lacrosse. We gave him a short stick to use and we played "toss the lacrosse ball" with him. D had a great time and enjoyed being at the tournament with us. His gross motor skills are wonderful.

On Sunday, D went to Religious School where he truly enjoyed his class and then we had a fun day at the house. We played games and got some things done in D's room. We are required by law to have a monthly Calendar filled in for his schedule and to have House Rules documented and communicated. I got both of those done as well as a daily schedule set up that he helped me make.

AND we celebrated Oldest Son's choice for University!

And D told me I was beautiful.

Then The Transition

The last few days D is clearly getting closer to us and to me. While this is good, it also has complicating influences. D has started telling me more about his life, things that have happened and how he feels. D has hard questions without easy answers. So it is definitely good that he has started talking more but it also means he is processing what has happened and trying to understand why he is not with his family.

Daily, he says he misses his Mom and Dad and usually with a few tears. 

On Friday we started preparing him for the one hour family visit at CPS scheduled for Monday (today.) We were very clear that this visit would not include his Mom and Dad, would include his baby brother and we did not know who else would be there.

Saturday night became the first night where he did not sleep well and D attributed it to a bad dream or as he calls it a bad sleep. He talked to me allot that night.

Sunday night was terrible. D woke up at 11:45pm and he must have been up and down at least twelve times. I would take him back to his bed; I tried lying down with him where he would grasp my hand and not let go; I would lie on the couch in his room so he could see me. Nothing worked. Sometime after 5:15am he got on his couch and went to sleep but was back sitting beside my bed by 6:40am. D was afraid to go to sleep because he would have a bad sleep i.e. bad dream.

I knew this was going to be especially challenging for the day (today) that he was visiting with his extended family for the first time since being removed from his home. An exhausted six year old is tough under any circumstances.

Then The Bad

Amazingly, D actually got ready for school today with a smile and sang on the way. When I picked him up at 11:30am, he was flush from playing soccer and was excited about kicking the ball with his friend.

The family visit occurred at CPS offices today from 12pm to 1:30pm. It was tough on everyone involved for many reasons. I will not go into detail.

D left the visit in tears. D was inconsolable from 1:30pm until 7pm. We talked allot. He cried allot. I tried various distractions. He is a sensitive and smart little boy. I would be super sad too.

We managed some of his bedtime routine and he fell asleep in his bed at about 8pm. He got up at 9:15pm and again at 9:30pm. He has moved his covers from his bed to the couch in his room ... not sure I understand why the couch feels better to him. This is like putting together a puzzle of this little guy's heart.

Expectations

I should note that none of this is truly unexpected. The Jonathan's Place training prepared us well. What we are experiencing, what D is feeling, what his family is going through ... happens every day for about 438,000 children in America (2016 number.)

D is a child of trauma. Nothing will ever change this fact.

The Foster Care Team - A Few of Them So Far ...

Navigating the foster care system includes:

1) Foster Child - A child under the age of 18 who has suffered trauma for various reasons requiring them to be removed from their home 

2) Agency - Our Agency is Jonathan's Place (JP) and we had to research and choose where we would receive our training and license. All our placements go through Jonathan's Place. Our Agency is responsible for helping us remain licensed, monitoring our home and our foster child and a general resource for help. It is important to us that our Agency does not discriminate on basis of race, creed, gender, national origin, sexual orientation, gender identity/expression, or military status.

3) JP Caseworker - Our JP Caseworker is our primary contact for all things relative to our relationship to the Agency and the foster kids they place with us. We file reports via an online system that our Caseworker reviews. 

I email, text and talk with my JP Caseworker often.

4) CPS - Child Protective Services. 

My first visit to CPS office was today.

5) CVS Caseworker - The CPS Conservatorship Worker (CVS) is legally responsible for the foster child's welfare. The CVS Caseworker manages communicating with the foster family, arranges visitations with biological family and tracks the court process and dates.

So far, I have talked  with our CVS Caseworker for 10-15 minutes last Thursday and 1 minute today. Both times on the phone. I do not think the CVS Caseworker has met D yet.

6) Foster Family - The Foster Parents are responsible for all day-to-day care, education choices and medical decisions for the foster child.

7) Guardian Ad Litem - Attorney for the foster child which is often court appointed.

D's attorney has not contacted us yet.

8) CASA Volunteer - A court appointed special advocate who is a voice for the foster child.

D's CASA volunteer, if he has one, has not contacted us yet.

9) Medical Provider and Dentist - Medical and dental care are mandated by the State of Texas and there is a schedule that must be followed.

We have completed the medical visit but not the dental.

10) Therapist - The Agency helps get a therapist referral for the foster child.

We are waiting on a referral for D. Our JP Caseworker manages for us.

11) School Teacher and Counselor -  School age foster kids are in school much of the time and it is important to include teachers and counselors as part of the team helping foster kids.

Only the Kinder school teacher is involved so far.

12) CCMS - Child Care Management Services who can fund certain care including Summer care.
Working this one right now - complicated.

13) Judge - The Judge is ultimately the decision maker for just about everything.
The Court hearing scheduled for last Friday was moved to May 4 thus longer limbo for D especially if kinship is an option.

14) Biological Family - The biological family can include parents, siblings and extended family. Reunification is the goal of foster care.

We had first interaction today although I am not sure we are supposed to actually interact.

Glimpses ...

We are required to post the hotline poster and the fire escape plan. We are required to have the House Rules and the Calendar. It is strongly encouraged to have the daily schedule. I added the "How Are You Feeling" chart.

Our first puzzle with D and a wonderful gift to us! His problem solving skills were impressive as he put this together.

Day 12 with D

April 8 Midnight

• D, our foster son, arrives
• D is our first placement

April 19

• Tonight is the 12th night D has been a part of our family and our home

How is D?

D is a normal six-year old boy who is developmentally on track. He loves the Local Elementary, he sings, he skips and he kicks a soccer ball. He enthusiastically plays board and card games. He runs on the pool deck when he should not. He brushes his teeth and likes the big bath tub. He writes his name, counts to the double digits and is an emerging reader. He makes art and use scissors. He likes to play with other kids and dogs and looks up to Oldest Son and Youngest Son. He follows directions, is helpful and always curious. He only eats certain foods and vegetables do not seem to part of his diet. Thank goodness for bananas! He sometimes wakes up scared at night and slips into our room. He had a great time at Religious School Sunday and told the class he was thankful for his Dad. He asks about his Mom and Dad daily and asks if he can take his new things to his home. D is like any six-year old you would encounter.

But D is not any six-year old. 

What is the situation?

I got my first call from CPS today. The CPS investigator called to tell me about the court date tomorrow and family visitation. Wait. What? After explaining to her we are going out of town tomorrow, asking allot of questions and letting her know this was our first placement, she slowed down and said she would call me back. We established that I had not heard from CPS or CASA Volunteer or the Guardian Ad Litem - all of which are important in determining D's future.

The next call was a productive three way conference call initiated by the CPS Investigator with D’s brother’s Foster Dad and me. Wait. What? So, D has a 16-month old brother. We do not understand why the boys were placed separately. There IS extended family who want to care for D and his brother. The court will decide tomorrow who would qualify for a kinship placement which will require a home study and some time to establish. I have learned that a court hearing must take place within 14 days from removal (the hearing tomorrow) and then again within next 30 days. We scheduled D's first visitation Monday at CPS offices with extended family and his toddler brother.

The immediate family situation is complicated and gut wrenching. I will not go into the details.

I am reminded that D is not any six-year old.

What have I learned about established community support?

We are required by law to take D to the doctor within first 30 days of placement.  We lucked into a cancellation last Monday. The Rees-Jones Center for Foster Care Excellence at Children's Medical Center is beyond amazing. I am SO proud to have access to this facility with locations in Dallas and Plano. Our children deserve this kind of health care and resources. The staff, nurses and doctors are trained to take care of children of trauma and the facility is state of the art with considerations for all the challenges we may experience in seeking medical care for foster kids.

Our Temple and our Local Elementary have been accommodating, generous and lovely during D's transition. Jonathan's Place has been fabulous, of course.

I have been disappointed in the challenges of finding summer care under the Child Care Management Services (CCMS) program. CCMS will fund summer care for foster kids. The "go to" places for my kids such as JCC and YMCA do not take CCMS. The CCMS state website has proven difficult to use thus far. I am still fumbling my way through this one.

D's options via CCMS are not simple or obvious ... to me.

What has it been like?

D gives our family and friends a chance to be part of this journey. The generosity of words, time, gifts, food and surprises uplifts all. I see Oldest Son and Youngest Son reaching out to D, helping with homework, speaking to him in Spanish, playing with him and trying to weave this little boy into their busy teenage lives. Commuter Husband stepped right up and thankfully told me "we are in this together."

I am kinda like a new mom. I wore the same outfit three days in row this week - not kidding. I am fighting with the blasted car seat to get the buckle to co-operate. I am wiping a snotty nose and a poopie bottom. I fall into to bed physically and mentally exhausted.

And I am so very glad I am D's foster mom. D makes us smile. D reminds us that relationships are the heart of our existence. D takes us out of our first world, self-centered lives and takes us to a place that is meaningful and important. D represents all this is wrong and right in the world. D makes us face a real humanity that is all around us if we stop to look, to understand and confront it's flaws.

Today was hard. Today I learned of D's complex past, his chaotic present and his unclear future. 

A few glimpses of our days and much generosity ...

Flowers to cheer us on!

Games that I did not even know existed. I am kinda afraid of Pie Face!

This facility intends to be the model for America. I hope for everyone's sake that they succeed!

D did not like this gift as much as I did - so good!

Bath time is way more fun now :)

Thank goodness for the clothes given to D since he really did arrive with one outfit.

ALL HAPPY FACES from Local Elementary!

Thankful for the gift of Candy Land - timeless favorite! And that gifted soccer jersey is a big hit.

Local Elementary gift box - loaded with stuff :)

Two sets of pupusas delivered by two sets of dear friends on different days. These got us through first days as we figured out what D would eat.